I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
