I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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