I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
