Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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