Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
