He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize