my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
