Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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