How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
