then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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