The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
