Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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