remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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