Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
