4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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