I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
