new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
