I'm passing your future prison.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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