Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
