morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
