the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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