just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
