I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
