You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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