I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
