I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
