my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love you. Go after that dick
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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