I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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