I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
