I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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