I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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