Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
