I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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