I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
