its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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