Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize