mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
