so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
