i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
