I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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