Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't put those talents on a resume
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
