Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize