I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
