a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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