then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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