The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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