my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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