Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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