Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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