it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
