dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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