he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
