fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
