You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
