There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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