I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
