There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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