I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
