he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just pee around me
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
