you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
