Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
