I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
