We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
