I faked an abortion last night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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