Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
