he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
