Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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