Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
